


(I Love) the Way (You) Hurt Me

by ThoseWhoFavorFire



Series: Just One Mistake (To Dust or To Gold) [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: It was too long so it had to be split up, M/M, Matt and Steve are confused puppies, Pre-Civil War (Marvel), bucky almost is a thing, in which i make a cipher, more of clint and nat and steve being friends, oh well, post-AoU, post-season one of Daredevil, they don't understand emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4295337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoseWhoFavorFire/pseuds/ThoseWhoFavorFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em> “Try to say live, live and let live/ But I’m not good at lip service/ Except when they’re yours, mi amor/ I’m coming for you and I’m making war/ And I still love the way you hurt me/ It’s irresistible.” </em><br/>Title and idea inspired by Irresistible- Fall Out Boy<br/>Matt and Steve have sunk comfortably into their decision to be friends with benefits. It suits them both comfortably, but as the months pass, things inevitably become more and more complicated and neither knows quite how to cope.<br/>Alternating Perspectives between Matt and Steve. Perspective change is clearly noted as are time skips. Takes place over September through January.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m splitting this in half because it’s so long and I wanted to be able to edit and post. The second part will be posted as a second chapter to this.  
> This chapter takes place in September, October and November.  
> Alternating perspective, but it stays one perspective for the whole section of the month. The perspective of the section is in bold at the beginning of each with the specific date listed in italics beneath it. Thoughts are still italicized in parentheses.

**Matthew Murdock**

_September 23 rd_

Matt and Steve had begun to fall into a pretty easy routine in the last two months. They kept their lives as superheroes and their lives as civilians as separated as they could. When Captain America and Daredevil crossed paths while fighting crime, they pretended they were just two heroes doing their jobs, working for the same cause. When Matt and Steve met it was…different.

They couldn’t go out in public together for obvious reasons. Although Matt’s identity was still a secret, everyone knew Steve Rogers was Captain America. As much as Steve hated to admit it, he was a celebrity and people would pay extra attention to whomever he decided to hang out with. That was fine though, Steve and Matt had talked about it and, since they weren’t dating, they didn’t really feel the need to go out.

How did they define their relationship exactly?

Well, friends…with benefits.

It took them awhile to come to that conclusion. After all, they couldn’t keep calling each other a one night stand after the…8 different times the hooked up over the course of August? No, they couldn’t consider it that.

To be honest, they couldn’t just call each other a meaningless hookup partner either. The more they slept together and the more time they spent together, the more they learned about each other. So, they were friends…just with added the benefit of really fucking great sex. Right?

( _Well, I can’t let him be anything more. People I…care about always get hurt in the end_.)

September 23rd rolled around, and Matt couldn’t even be surprised when he heard the familiar heartbeat pacing around his apartment as he entered the building. A small smile crossed Matt’s face when the smell of leather and mint (Steve’s latest shampoo product, he started using it when Matt told him he liked the smell of mint) hit him as he moved up the different floors. Finally arriving at his door and sliding his key into the lock, the steady rhythm of Steve’s gait welcomed Matt home.

“You know, I don’t remember giving you a key,” Matt said with a wry smile.

Steve ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t remember you being upset the last three times I technically broke in so I thought it was fine…I can leave if you want.”  
Matt shook his head, putting his stuff away with a small laugh, “Don’t be ridiculous Steve, what’s wrong?”

Steve groaned, rubbing his temples, “Is it that obvious?”

“You’re an open book,” Matt responded, weaving his way through his own apartment with ease, “What happened?” He moved a little closer to Steve as he spoke.  
“Just a rough few days…”

Matt quirked an eyebrow, tilting his head, “Maybe I can help.”

“Is this where you suggest sex, because this is usually the situation in which you suggest sex.”  
“Is that a complaint or an observation,” Matt laughed.

“Mere observation, far from a complaint.”

“Good, I actually had something else in mind though.”

“Oh really?” Steve asked curiously, trying to rack his brain for what Matt could have in mind.

5 minutes later all of the furniture in Matt’s living room had been pushed to the side of the room, which involved a lot of Matt telling a very confused and mildly amused Steve where to move everything.

“Strange time to ask me to help redecorate Murdock.”

“ _God_ Steve, just shush and push the couch towards the window.”  
“Fine, fine, I just don’t understand why-”

Matt cut him off, “There that’s good.” While Steve had been moving things, Matt had slipped into the other room, shedding his suit and tie in favor of some sweatpants and no shirt. When Steve turned around to face him, Matt heard Steve’s heart rate speed up a little.

“So, am I to take the fact that you aren’t wearing a shirt to mean that you having me moving stuff around was just some strange form of foreplay?”

Matt sighed, shaking his head again, “No dumbass, we’re going to spar.”

“Oh,” Steve said, his heartrate picking up even more, “Really? I mean you don’t have to…”  
“What, afraid to hit the blind guy?”

“Oh, bite me Murdock.”

Matt chuckled, “Don’t tempt me.”

They suddenly fell silent, and Matt smiled as he noticed Steve’s legs move into a defensive stance. He was relaxed, but prepared to counter if Matt rushed him.

Which, of course, Matt did.

The next few minutes were a flurry of punches, kicks and dodges. At first, he could tell that Steve was pulling his punches and not really putting his all into it. After some clever taunting and goading on Matt’s part, Steve finally caught his shoulder with a full punch. Steve tried apologizing, but was met with a punch to the gut when he left himself open.

After that, it seemed like Steve was a lot less focused on holding back.

With Steve and Matt both giving it their all, Matt found that they were pretty well matched. Steve had the whole superior strength, stamina and agility going for him, but Matt could anticipate when and where Steve was going to strike. Every once and awhile, one of them would land a hit, but they were fairly equal when it came to ability and skill.

Well, until Matt got momentarily distracted and Steve took the opportunity to bring the fight to the floor. Within a few seconds, Steve was straddling Matt, holding Matt’s wrists to the floor above his head. Matt tried to get out of his hold, but Steve had a firm grip on his wrists.

They remained frozen there for a minute, and Matt hadn’t realized that he was smirking until Steve spoke up, “You couldn’t have planned this.”

“No, just an added benefit. I-” Matt quickly forgot what he was going to say, his words suddenly cut off by Steve’s lips crashing onto his.

No, Matt hadn’t exactly planned for sparring to turn into rough sex on the living room floor.

( _I didn’t exactly rule it out as a possibility though._ )

As Steve deepened the kiss, biting at Matt’s lower lip, Matt’s hips involuntarily bucked, trying to create some friction but unable to since Steve still had him pinned. His hands went to move to lace in Steve’s hair, but he quickly found that the kiss had only caused Steve to strengthen his grip on the wrists.

Then again, Matt wasn’t complaining.

Steve quickly shed both of their pants and boxers, using one hand rather than two to pin Matt’s arms while continuing to straddle the man. He only had to finally let go of Matt in order to fetch a condom and some lube from the nearest drawer but he was back within a moment (Matt had quickly discovered that they frequently didn’t make it to the bedroom to fuck, and had since hidden tiny bottles of lube and condoms around the apartment).

Their sweat covered bodies moved against each other in a similar unison to how they had just been sparring. It was a similar relief too, as Matt felt all of his stress and concerns float away as Steve fucked him.

( _This isn’t just what we want, it’s what we need._ )

Matt’s lips were captured by Steve again just as he reached the edge, tumbling into a powerful orgasm right before Steve’s orgasm hit him. They road it out together, lips never disconnecting, and they took a moment to gather themselves, still laying on the floor for several minutes after they were done. When Steve leaned down and whispered _thank you_ in Matt’s ear, Matt could only respond with a smile and a whispered response of, “It’s my pleasure.”

~

**Steve Rodgers**

_October 31 st _

The problem wasn’t that Steve wasn’t aware of what day it was. No, he knew that it was October 31st. It was just, well, he was a little too preoccupied to remember that what was associated with the date.

It was early afternoon when the first steady knock came on his apartment door. Matt was over, it had been a long week for the both of them and Matt had come over seeking the escape from his troubles that only seemed to come when he was fucking Steve. Steve had been so busy the last two weeks: there had been a major crisis at Avengers’ headquarters and, to top that off, he had chased a promising lead on Bucky all the way to Greece. By the time Steve had gotten there, it appears the former hydra assassin had already left and cleared most of his tracks. Steve was… _frustrated_ to say the least. Then, there was all this stuff in the media, some type of public outcry for the unmasking of vigilantes. Regardless, the point was that Steve had very little time in recent days, and the last month had flown by. Matt seemed to be pretty busy too, both as Daredevil and with his law practice. Steve told Matt that he was going to burn himself out if he kept up like that, but Matt informed him that he had no room to talk.

( _He isn’t wrong._ )

Now, it wasn’t every day that Steve got visitors. Well, other than Matt, but Matt was already half naked in Steve’s bed (the sex, in case you were wondering, was great), so it certainly couldn’t be him at the door.

If Steve had thought about it, the only other people that knew Steve’s location were Natasha and Clint. The last time he checked, they were somewhere in…where was it? Ah yes, Budapest. Apparently, there was something there that they needed to check on. Steve wasn’t sure he bought that but, alas, he wasn’t one to tell two assassins that they _shouldn’t_ go somewhere or do something. Matt, Clint and Natasha. If it wasn’t them then…who?

Steve swung the door open with his free hand, his other hand containing the sandwich that Steve had gone into the kitchen to make for Matt. He was still shirtless, which he didn’t really think was an issue until he open the door to see…no one.

Well, no one at eye level.

There was am excited shriek admitted from about 3 feet lower than Steve’s eyelevel from a very enthusiastic…fairy princess?

“TRICK OR TREAT!” The crowd of five kids shouted.

( _Trick-or-treat…Halloween…fuck.)_

Steve stood there for a solid thirty seconds blinking in surprise as the fairy princess bounced up and down in excitement, ranting about the fact that _Captain America_ lives in her apartment complex. ( _Well, there goes my anonymity._ )

This place was the first one he’d been able to keep for more than a few months since he woken up in the 21st century. The only way he had been able to manage that was by entering through a private entrance and only coming and going early in the morning and late at night. Of course, as he was quickly finding out, that only could last him so long in Brooklyn.

His eyebrow raised, eyes darted across the group of five.

There was the fairy princess, which was pretty typical trick-or-treater costume from what he recalled. Then, there was one child under a sheet with eyeholes cut out of it. The last small child was a little girl dressed as a ninja. None of that really struck him as odd.

No, what surprised him was the two older kids that clearly were taking the younger ones out trick-or-treating. It was two older boys, probably around 13. They were holding hands, and the one appeared to be pretty excited but was attempting to hide his excitement better than the young girl bouncing around. It was their outfits that surprised Steve the most though.

The excited one was dressed in what appeared to be a handmade Captain America costume. The other older boy, the one holding the mini Captain America’s hand, was in what appeared to be a Daredevil costume.

( _How ironic._ )

Steve finally managed to pull himself together, muttering out a “Right, candy, one moment…” before moving back over to his cupboard and managing to find a bag of miscellaneous candy that he had seen on sale in the store a few weeks prior and had purchased. He had forgetten about it entirely until this moment. He moved back over to the still-open front door, dropping a few pieces of candy into each of their waiting pillow cases before herding them out from under his door frame so that he could close the door.

Much to his dismay, the kid dressed as Captain America already had a phone out by the time he had gotten back with the candy ( _did he take a picture of me? God, I wasn’t wearing a shirt…_ ) Steve groaned, finally returning to the bedroom and flopping down on the bed, handing Matt a sandwich.

“Sorry, I tried to stop you but you were too quick to open the door and I didn’t want to walk out and make it worse,” Matt said sympathetically.

“Could you tell what they were dressed as?”  
Matt only hummed in response, in the middle of a bite of his sandwich, and Steve assumed that was an affirmative.

“I’m going to have to move,” Steve grumbled.

“You could always come to my place,” Matt said, suddenly freezing and realizing what he said before rushing out the words, “I meant, you know, for the night. Since, uh, they probably went online and posted your address and you likely will be unable to avoid the hordes of trick-or-treaters.”

Steve nodded absently, blushing a little but attempting to hide it as he massaged his temples, “I would like that. Won’t your place have trick-or-treaters too though?”

Matt gave a small shrug, “We can stay quiet and pretend we aren’t there. I haven’t really gotten any trick-or-treaters knocking in the past so it should be safe.”

“Thank you,” Steve mumbled in response, packing a quick overnight bag and plotting their escape route out of his apartment building. He threw a shirt on, grabbing his leather jacket, a baseball cap and some sunglasses in an attempt to disguise himself.

( _Well, this should be fun. At least I’m with Matt, who is once again offering escape…_ )

~

**Matthew Murdock**

_November 11 th_

He wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but Steve ended up at Matt’s apartment more nights than not in the last week and a half. That wasn’t inherently an issue, Steve had basically moved into the Avengers’ headquarters now that he was in between places and Matt’s bed was a much more enticing offer than the pullout Steve would be sleeping on.

Matt had been enjoying having Steve around so often.

 _That_ was the problem.

If things continued like this, Steve would practically be living with him.

Steve was a friend though, a friend with no place to live. What was the harm in Steve crashing with him for a little while?

( _If he stays… I won’t want him to leave._ )

Matt cursed himself, pulling on his Daredevil costume and pushing the thoughts away as he hit the streets of Hell’s Kitchen. It wasn’t something to worry about tonight, Steve had to work late with the Avengers so he probably wouldn’t be around. Instead, it was time to slip into his second skin as Daredevil. If he had to admit it, it wasn’t exactly hard. He quickly pinpointed his target: Typhoid Mary.

She had been absent from these parts for a while. Last Matt had heard, Spiderman had convinced Mary Walker to admit herself to a mental institution and seek help for her split personalities. However, from what Matt could tell, she clearly wasn’t cured.

On the bright side, it wasn’t her Bloody Mary personality. If the Bloody Mary personality cropped up, Matt had no doubt that he would be investigating a string of kills already.

It was hard to pinpoint exactly what told him that it was the Typhoid Mary personality, but really it was everything. Each one of her personalities had their own distinctive walk, a way they fought and spoke. Even the overwhelming perfume each wore was different.

As he tracked her down, Matt couldn’t help but assume this was Wilson Fisk, once again trying to pull strings from the inside of prison. He probably had some of his goons spring her from the mental institution and trigger one of her more violent personalities. Typhoid Mary had quite the history of freelancing as an assassin for Fisk, so Matt doubted this was a coincidence.

He finally caught up with her, sliding down the side of a building and managing to catch her completely by surprise. Unfortunately, she had telekinesis, and catching someone with telekinesis by surprise meant getting psychically thrown against the nearest wall.

Matt stifled a groan, standing up and facing her once more. She drew her swords, tilting her head with a wicked grin, “Ah, Daredevil. I was wondering when I’d see you around. Miss me?”

“Hardly.” Apparently she didn’t like that answer, since a heavy crate came sailing for his head.

The fight stretched over several minutes and involved a lot of Matt simultaneously avoiding her sword, small explosions as she used her pyrokinesis and all of the random objects that sailed through the air towards him. She was an expert at killing, and seemed to be pretty determined to eliminate the obstacle that went by the name Daredevil.

There was suddenly a smirk on Matt’s features, and Mary sneered, “What are you so happy about?” just before she was hit square in the shoulder by an arrow. She hissed, turning towards the direction of a roof across the way where a particularly smug archer was standing. Despite the distance, Matt could hear Clint whisper into his headset, “Told you I’d get the first hit.”

Natasha’s only response was “Watch out!” as a trash can was being hurled towards Clint, but he was already moving out of the way in time.

Matt felt the air part as Steve’s shield went flying through the air. Mary narrowly avoided it. The presence of Steve honed Matt’s senses, and the fight continued as it had before, except now with Typhoid Mary fending off attacks from four fronts.

( _Fuck, even fighting is more enjoyable when he is around._ )

“Do you always travel with this much back up Cap?” Matt threw at Steve as they narrowly jumped out of the way of one of her explosions.

Steve laughed, offering a hand to help Matt up. “Not normally, Hell’s Kitchen is special. Well, that and Nat and Clint were going a little stir-” he got cut off mid-word as he blocked a strike from Mary’s dual swords with his shield. He quickly finished his sentence as he tossed his shield in the woman’s direction again “-crazy.”

Everything was going well as they were quickly backing Mary into a corner.

Of course, however, Matt Murdock couldn’t get off that easily.  
No, just before Cap knocked her out, Mary just _had_ to get in one good blow to the red part of the suit covering his arm. Red only defends against _some_ angles of a blade.

( _Maybe I should get around to going back Melvin Potter for an update on the suit…better late than never I guess. I’ve been getting by with him just patching._ )

Matt cursed a little, feeling the blood spurting from the wound on the underside of his upper arm. He slowed his heart rate, mentally calculating how long it would take to run back to his apartment and stich himself up.

Steve turned to him in concern, telling Clint and Nat to take care of Typhoid Mary as he grabbed Matt’s not injured arm and dragged him into the closest alleyway despite Matt’s protests that he was fine. He managed to put pressure on the arm, slowing the bleeding. They went only a block or two before reaching Steve’s bike, and Matt found himself climbing on and wrapping his good arm around Steve.

( _Focus, focus on Steve._ )

He got lost in Steve’s heartbeat, his smell. Anything to distract him from the arm and keep his heartrate down. It wasn’t hard. In fact, he knew with this wound it would take much longer for him to bleed out than the average person. The way Steve was speeding, provided they didn’t get into a crash from reckless driving, would mean he would be patched up in plenty of time.

Steve used quick and precise movements to clean, treat and dress Matt’s wound once they were inside Matt’s apartment. He insist on doing it for Matt but he didn’t say a single word the whole time and that concerned Matt.

“I’m fine, let me do it.” No response.

“I’ve had worse Steve.” No response.

“You really shouldn’t be worried…” No response.

When Steve was done, Matt mumbled a small “Thank you.”

Steve rested his still leather clad hand on Matt’s face, cupping the cheek in his hand gently. The cowl had long since been removed along with the Daredevil costume. Matt was standing there in nothing but his boxers, but it hadn’t even registered until his wound was closed and tended to. Steve kissed him, deeply, but not as rough as usual.

“You’re welcome. Please…be careful,” Steve responded as he withdrew, leaving the apartment before Matt could say anything else.

Something had felt different about the way Steve had kissed him just then, and it simultaneously caused a warm glow to spread through Matt as well as a degree of concern and wariness.

This was different and, though he felt a longing deep within him for another kiss like that, it also left Matt wondering what had just happened between them.

( _Steve Rodgers will be the death of me._ )


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is work? What is food? What is sleep? There is only Matt/Steve.  
> This chapter takes place in December and January. February was originally included but got a lot more into the Civil War plotline than I planned (as well as adding a lot to this part) so it ended up fitting into the next part better.  
> As with last chapter: alternating perspective, but it stays one perspective for the whole section it’s labeled as. The perspective of the section is in bold at the beginning and the specific date is listed in italics beneath it. Thoughts are still italicized in parentheses.

**Steve Rogers**

_December 25 th_

Steve wasn’t particularly sure how it happened exactly. He didn’t have much in the way of possessions, so within a day he had moved entirely out of his old apartment building. Most of his stuff went to headquarters. That, of course, happened almost two months ago. By now, he probably should have found somewhere to live.

He hadn’t.

Of course, it also might help if he actually tried. Although all his belongings were at headquarters, he honestly had to admit that he wasn’t exactly living there. If he thought about it long enough (which he was attempting to avoid at all costs), he had basically spent the last two months living at Matt’s apartment. It didn’t start off that way. At first, he would sleep at the Avengers’ headquarters, only crashing at Matt’s after a long day. As the weeks stretched on, Steve found himself at Matt’s more and more frequently. He had settled into a pretty comfortable morning routine: wake up, make breakfast, force Matt out of bed to eat, take his motorcycle to headquarters, go for a run in that area, shower at headquarters. His day then usually involved some sort of training exercises with the avengers, going out on missions or being stuck in meetings. By the end of every day he found himself back at Matt’s apartment with takeout in hand. It was all rather…domestic.

If they didn’t talk about it, they didn’t have to acknowledge it.

If Steve was admitting things to himself, he knew he was in love with Matt. It was something that he realized right after the night that he had fought Typhoid Mary with Matt. The level of concern that he felt for Matt that night was beyond the type of concern he could claim for even a friend or casual lover. Yes, he realized then that he was in love with Matt, but that had also come with the realization that if he confessed to Matt, the perfect little existence that they had carved out for themselves would come crashing down. After the five solid months of really getting to know Matt, to be a friend as well as a lover to him, Steve had realized that Matt wasn’t ready for that type of commitment. Of course, he wasn’t fooling himself, Matt couldn’t love Steve and this whole stint of continual denial would only last so long. It was such a fragile thing, this quasi-relationship that they had, and Steve had long since decided that he would hold onto it as long as possible.

So they didn’t talk about it.

Christmas had rolled around and it was a holiday that even Steve couldn’t forget. There were constant reminders everywhere he went that it was Christmas season, but even without them Steve wouldn’t be able to just ignore Christmas. He had been raised Catholic after all. Of course, unlike everyone else, Steve had been too preoccupied with other things to even pause for a moment and consider making plans for the day.

“Come to church with me,” Matt had suggested over their morning coffee casually.

Christmas mass. Steve felt a little guilty, he really hadn’t made Church a priority since waking up a few years ago. He had gone several times, but he never found a church that felt…right. Besides, he was still trying to get used to the fact that they didn’t still say the mass in Latin. That really had thrown him for a loop.

Yet…it was Christmas and it was Matt who was asking, so Steve took another sip of his coffee before responding with, “That would be nice.”

He found himself sitting in St Patrick’s Cathedral for noon mass. Matt had gotten them there early enough to find seating and assured him that on any other day of the year (excluding Easter) the church wasn’t this crowded. Apparently, the priest giving this particular mass was a friend of Matt’s, which was why Matt chose this mass time.

“The lord be with you,” said the priest, Father Lantom.

“And with your spirit,” the congregation responded.

“Lift up your hearts.”

“We lift them up to the Lord.”

“Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.”

“It is right and just.”

As the Mass was conducted, Steve found himself slipping right back into the routine of sitting, standing and kneeling. That part of the mass at least hadn’t changed. Since he didn’t know the responses in English, he found himself mumbling them in Latin under his breath. Matt seemed to find this incredibly amusing. He didn’t feel alone in not knowing the responses though, half of the people there hadn’t been to church since the year prior. Apparently, just a few years ago, the church had changed some of the English translations and people who didn’t attend Mass regularly hadn’t quite gotten the hang of the new responses.

After the two readings and the gospel, Father Lantom stepped forward to give the homily.

He started, as they usually did, with an explanation of the nativity story. He continued into a broader explanation of the implications of the Son of God becoming man. Steve had to admit, he had been to a lot of Christmas masses in his life, but none of the priests he had known were as lively and invested as Father Lantom. As he spoke, he held the entire cathedral’s attention, which wasn’t an easy task as many had been dozing off through the readings. He spoke with conviction and grace, frequently posing questions for the congregation to ponder on their own. He kept his sermon brief too, not droning on and losing the attention of his audience.

“I know many priests take this time to remind people of all of their responsibilities as Catholics. I don’t feel I have to, nor do I feel it’s my place. As you leave mass in about a half hour, I don’t intend for you to suddenly change your minds about anything spectacular, nor do I expect a large number of you back next week. All I want you to remember is this: Love each other. Don’t be afraid to hold onto and care for both your friends and family as well as your fellow citizens of New York and the people of the world. Don’t be afraid to embrace love and caring, at the end of the day, it is often all we have left,” Father Lantom concluded his sermon.

Steve felt his heart ache a little at that, once again overly aware of the man sitting next to him. Ironic: that a Catholic priest’s sermon could remind and affirm the love one man had for another man. Some people said that was against the Catholic faith, but Steve knew that was garbage. He glanced over at Matt, wondering what had caused the man to want to bring Steve here. He was glad though, this mass and this church felt like something very personal to Matt and Steve was happy to be here and share in it.

His attention was quickly drawn back to the mass as they went through the Liturgy of the Eucharist. After the mass, they exited the church, running into Father Lantom at the door where most of the congregation was exiting. He was saying goodbye and shaking different peoples’ hands. When he spotted Matt, the priest excused himself from the conversation he was having and walked over to Matt and Steve.

“Father Lantom, Merry Christmas,” Matt said with a small smile.

“Ah, Merry Christmas to you as well Matt. And you must be Steve,” Father Lantom responded, extending his hand out to Steve, “I’ve heard a lot about you, only good things I assure you.”

Steve shook his hand, chuckling a little, “Well I certainly hope so. Lovely homily by the way, best Christmas mass I’ve been to in a very long time.”

“I’m glad to hear it, means I’m okay at my job. I best be off, you two have a nice Christmas. Steve, if you ever need confession, or just to chat, my door is always open. Matt can tell you that I make the best lattes,” Father Lantom said goodbye to them both, his attention needed elsewhere.

Steve turned back to Matt, looping their arms together so that Steve could pretend to guide Matt around as they walked away from the spiraling neo-gothic cathedral. It was a moment or two later before Steve spoke up, “So, you and Father Lantom go back then?”

Matt nodded, “He has helped me through a rough patch or two. He is a good man and there certainly aren’t that many good, unbiased men around these days.”

“And apparently he makes a good latte?”

“The best, I highly recommend going to see him if you ever need someone to talk to.”

Now that he thought about it, maybe stopping by and talking to the priest might not be a bad idea. If Matt liked and trusted the man, surely it was for good reason.

~

**Matthew Murdock**

_December 25 th (still)_

Things were getting a bit out of control.

First, he had started sleeping with Steve and occasionally fighting bad guys with Steve. Then, Steve practically started living with him. Then there was the Christmas gifts…

Well, friends exchange gifts… right? He _had_ given gifts to Foggy and Karen as well.

( _This is different, this meant more..._ )

Matt ran a hand over the watch sitting on his wrist. It was exactly the kind of thoughtful gift that one would expect out of Steve Rogers. The watch was specifically designed for someone who was blind, specifically designed to be read by touch. It clearly wasn’t cheap either, Matt could literally feel the quality of the metal as he ran his fingers over it. It certainly was the nicest watch that Matt had ever owned. Most of the time, he relied on his phone to chirp out the time when he needed it, though that was hardly reliable since Matt frequently didn’t have his phone on him.

That wasn’t the best part about the watch though. No, the best part had to be the inscription that was engraved into the back of the watch for Matt’s eyes only “ _Even the Devil should be on time._ ” That was what made the gift really from Steve. It was that nice balance of thoughtfulness and sarcasm that Matt loved about the man. When Matt unwrapped the gift, the Steve told him (after rushed apologies if he already had a watch or didn’t want or need one) the reason behind him deciding to get it. Matt was always late for everything and, though he didn’t expect the watch to work miracles, at least the watch would let Matt know exactly how late he was. He couldn’t help but laugh, slipping the watch on and feeling the engraving resting comfortably against his skin ( _a reminder of Steve_ ).

Then, of course, there had been the Christmas gift that Matt had given to Steve. It was a small box and inside it contained some bus and train tickets as well as a little piece of folded up paper.

“What is…?” Steve murmured, trailing off. The piece of paper contained a name.

“George Paine. It’s a name, an alias. I know your hunt for the Winter Soldier has gone a bit cold so I did some digging, pulled a few strings, etc and I got a name. George Paine.”

Steve’s heart rate noticeably picked up pace, his breath catching in his throat. After a moment, he finally managed to ask, “And the train tickets to…Trenton, New Jersey?”

“Well, it is a bit of a longshot but…”  
“But I’ve gotten desperate. What’s in Trenton?”  
“Well, okay. So, you know the name _Winter Soldier_? When I was doing research on him, I remembered back to reading some of _The American Crisis_ in school and it seemed like the name Winter Soldier was actually a reference to that. That’s why something struck me about the name George Paine when it came up in my research. Mind you, I managed to get the lead two days ago: December 23 rd. Thomas Paine wrote _The American Crisis_ , hence the last name Paine. What is even more interesting is that I found out that the pamphlet was read out loud on December 23rd, 1776 by none other than George Washington. George Paine, right? Too much coincidence there. So, I figured, the Battle of Trenton took place on December 26th and, if I was trying to give a clue about where I would be and how long I would be there…” Matt ran a hand through his hair, momentarily stopping his rambling, “God, this all sounds so insane. It didn’t seem this convoluted when I was thinking it through.”

Suddenly, Steve was hugging Matt. Matt stiffened up momentarily, wondering briefly how he managed to make himself so distracted that he hadn’t anticipated the hug. After a moment, he relaxed into the hug, bringing his arms up to wrap around Steve as well. They hadn’t really hugged before, but, if Matt was being honest, it was really nice. It made him feel…comfortable, which was worrisome enough.

Steve mumbled into Matt’s ear a small, whispered, “ _Thank you_.”

Matt knew Steve was hopeful about finding Bucky for the first time in a long time.

( _Hopefully I didn’t just give him false hope._ )

Matt made some excuse that night about staying with Foggy. Of course, he did go over there for a little while, but returned to his painfully empty apartment just to sleep. He felt himself getting… attached. He knew deep down if they had slept together that night, it would have meant _more_ and Matt couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t do that to Steve, especially since the time was probably arriving that Steve would leave Matt. Surely, once he found Bucky, Steve would be too busy to keep up…whatever it was that they had.

Yes, Matt resolved, he couldn’t let them get too close…for Steve’s own good.

~

**Steve Rogers**

_December 31 st_

Much to Steve’s disappointment, they hadn’t exactly found Bucky when they arrived in Trenton, New Jersey the day after Christmas. They spent the whole day searching, but it seemed the Winter Soldier had eluded them again.

That was, until they found the note left for Steve by a statue of George Washington. Well, less of a note and more of a cipher. Steve recognized it immediately as a book code, but wasn’t exactly sure. Book ciphers, like the ones that Bucky had taught him when they were kids, normally had three numbers for page, line and word. But the first numbers were all too low to just be that. A shorter work perhaps?

Steve sat there with the piece of paper still in his hands, running his fingers over the ink. The paper had numbers written in Bucky’s characteristic handwriting.

It read:

**3-1-1|4-4-11|3-1-1|3-4-7|8-3-14|8-5-5|6-4-7|2-2-6|6-1-13. 3-1-1|2-2-12|5-1-14|5-10-14|11-15-1|3-3-6|1-5-8|2-4-11|1-2-3|2-1-2|12-2-8|13-4-13|12-1-2|3-6-17. 3-1-1|3-4-7|2-3-2|11-6-16|11-4-2|2-1-14. 1-9-15|2-2-11|3-1-1|1-10-1|5-9-7|2-4-20|11-15-1. 3-1-1|13-2-12|11-4-2|2-3-3|1-9-15|1-1-1|7-1-9. 4-7-3|3-1-1|3-1-20|12-7-1|4-2-5. 4-7-3|3-1-1|3-1-20|12-7-1|4-2-5. 9-6-1|11-20-20|12-18-13|10-3-8|8-2-5|5-1-14|11-20-22|3-1-7. 8-5-5|11-22-19|1-3-9|11-22-10|3-1-7|6-6-2|12-3-2|8-5-5|7-5-9|3-1-7|6-6-2|12-3-2|8-5-5|7-5-9|3-1-1|4-1-9|13-11-8|6-5-6|2-1-10. 2-1-2|5-11-12|8-2-15|10-15-15|2-5-17|3-1-1|4-1-9|13-11-8|6-4-7|2-4-14|10-7-19|13-10-7. 3-1-1|4-1-9|13-11-8|6-4-7|2-1-2|9-2-10|13-4-13|7-4-16|5-1-14|13-7-17|12-1-8|2-1-2|9-2-10|8-2-15|2-1-2|3-6-7|1-2-3|5-16-5|5-1-14|9-3-8. 3-1-1|11-5-5|8-5-5|3-1-20|12-2-1|3-1-7|12-18-13|2-7-4|11-1-14|10-19-13|4-8-16|10-3-8|8-2-8. 3-1-1|5-1-20|1-7-4|8-5-5|9-11-5|2-1-2|9-12-10|8-2-15|2-1-2|8-1-4.**

**2-1-2|11-5-1|1-1-11**

Of course, Steve felt like an idiot when Matt suggested Thomas Paine’s _American Crisis_. It wasn’t page, line, word. Rather: paragraph, line, word. Once Steve had found the text, it was a simple matter of sitting down and deciphering it. It took a few tries with different editions, but he was eventually able to find one that worked.

**I fear I have injured you in my retreat. I had to defend myself and every one from the evil we are against. I have been gone too long. For that, I can only blame myself. I risk too much for these remarks. Yet I still deliver them. Take this as an invitation to find me. You should not welcome me, but if you do I will be back soon. The 20 th of next month I will be in our city again. I will be in the tavern we used to meet by, the tavern of the king, from six to nine. I hope you still see me as a friend rather than an enemy. I am with you till the end of the line.**

**–The Winter Soldier**

January 20th felt like an eternity away. He would have to be patient, to wait. Hell, he had been looking for Bucky for months, what was 20 more days going to do? He had spent so much time reading the message that he had it burned into his memory. Kings Tavern, that’s where Bucky would be. Right in Brooklyn, in the borough that they had grown up in. Of course, the bar didn’t used to be called that. It didn’t used to have televisions to watch sports in either but it had been years since either man had been in that area. He could wait, and he would be there exactly at the time that Bucky had suggested.

Steve took a sip of the alcohol Thor had brought all the way from Asgard for Steve, folding up the piece of paper and sticking it back inside his pocket. He looked around at the party surrounding him, trying to figure out why he was here.

“Hey dinosaur, are you really too old to enjoy a New Year’s Eve party?” A smooth voice arrived to his left, sliding onto the bar stool next to him.

“Yes Natasha, Steve doesn’t have time for his good old friends anymore.” Clint added, sliding onto the bar stool on his right.

As if the two menaces weren’t enough, Sam sat down on Clint’s other side with a grin, deciding to partake in the fun, “Oh no, Steve only has time for his _boyfriend_.”

Steve groaned, folding his one arm over the other and resting his forehead against the back of his arm on the bar, “Ah, give it a rest. I’ve told you guys a million times, he isn’t my boyfriend.”

“Right, right. You only have sex with him.”

“And sleep in the same bed as him.”

“And live with him.” The three added one after the other.

Steve picked his head up, looking around at his three friends, “It’s _complicated_.”

“So… when do we get to be introduced to this Matt of yours?” Natasha asked with a smirk.

“You don’t.”

“Oh, come on Steve. It’s been what…5 _months_ since you started regularly seeing him? 6 since you’ve met him? Don’t you think it’s about time your friends get to meet him?” Clint asked, trying to bring logic into the debate.

“Don’t you think that introducing you guys to him will only further complicate things?”

Sam shrugged, “The way you make it sound, I don’t think you could get any more complicated. Besides, we want to meet him. Do you know how hard it has for me to keep these two from just tracking him down and interrogating him?”

Steve sighed, rubbing his temples, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Sam smiled, nudging Clint with his elbow, “That isn’t a no!”

Clint nodded, but Natasha raised an eyebrow at Steve, “That isn’t a yes either.”

“Well, it will have to be good enough.”

Steve stayed and drank with them for a little while longer (grateful that Thor’s Asgardian alcohol was able to do something for him at least). When Tony (who was hosting this stupid New Year’s Eve party) finally made a scene about registration, Steve was finally able to slip away. He was almost completely in the clear when a mouthy redhead was suddenly in between him and his bike. She chuckled when he took a step back in surprise as he rounded the corner and came face to face with her. She rolled her eyes and stepped out of the way.

“Nat, I-”

“Go have fun with your boyfriend,” she said with a knowing grin.

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” he said, climbing onto his motorcycle.

“You keep telling yourself that.”

( _He isn’t my boyfriend, not that I don’t want him to be…_ )

~

**Matthew Murdock**

_January 1 st _

Matt had actually gone out with Karen and Foggy to Josie’s earlier in the night. Once he managed to get them to stop pestering him about whoever he has been with recently, it had turned out to be a pretty nice night for them all. Though, there were those pesky questions they kept asking.

“Matt, we know you are seeing someone.”  
“Yes, and it is totally fine. Just…we’d like to meet him or her. You know, give them the shovel talk and all. Come on, that is our right,” Foggy added, taking another sip of his drink.

“Tone it down mom and dad, I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”

“It’s been _months_ Matt. Months and we haven’t met this mysterious stranger. How is that fair?” Karen pointed out.

Foggy was quick to jump in again, “Besides, no more secrets, remember?”

Matt sighed, “It isn’t serious. You two are overreacting.”  
He couldn’t help feel a little guilty, but he was happy when the subject was passed by.

As it grew closer to midnight, Matt had made his excuses and gotten back to his apartment. He really hated New Year’s for many of the same reasons as he hated the Fourth of July. Too loud, too many people. He was glad to be alone again in his apartment.

He was even happier when Steve returned just after midnight.

For once, there was no need for words. They brought in the New Year exactly how the celebrated Fourth of July when they first met.

They put all complications and all concerns aside, because they found that this was not a time for those things. No, it was the time for needy, passionate kisses and really great, really rough sex.

It was what Matt wanted, what he needed.

Steve was a drug, and Matt would do anything for a fix. The way Steve’s body moved in time to his was more intoxicating than the alcohol he had been drinking earlier. In those moments, between gasps and moans, he wondered how he ever could doubt that being with Steve was what was right, what made him feel complete and good.

( _Just give me more, take me higher. The higher we go though, the worse it’s going to be when you slip away and I fall._ )

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The church thing really took me by surprise. I have wanted Steve to meet Father Lantom for a while, but suddenly Christmas mass was a thing that needed to happen. I thought the years of me being dragged to church was all a waste but who knew I’d end up using my knowledge to write gay fanfiction.  
> So, as you might have noticed, I included the book cipher. I decided to do paragraph, line, word both because I didn’t have a physical copy of the pamphlet and to make it easier for myself. Yes, I did in fact sit there and actually create the cipher, you can feel free to check it yourself at: http://www.constitution.org/tp/amercrisis01.htm#01   
> The cipher is actually what caused this update to be so long, as well as how much more I ended up writing than I originally anticipated. Once again the story decided to take the reins, as well as my realization that Bucky needed to be introduced in order for the Civil War storyline to really take off. I hope you guys don’t mind too terribly that my updates take a little longer, but end up being longer than if I updated more frequently.  
> In terms of how the song influenced this part, I’d have to say that Irresistible gives off the right Matt/Steve vibe for me at this point in their relationship because they both think the right thing to do is end it but despite that they both are too addicted to each other to let the other go. They are willing to live in their denial if it means being with each other just a little longer.   
> Now, with that I am off to bed. I have work (even though it is a Sunday) because everything is awful and Matt/Steve are causing me to get less-than-optimal amounts of sleep.  
> Up Next: Fall to Your Knees (Bring on the Rapture)- In which Bucky is reunited with Steve. Also, Steve and Matt are too caught up in fighting the registration act to celebrate Valentine’s Day and their unconfessed love puts…strains on their relationship.


	3. Update Coming Today!

 

To new readers just starting this series: Welcome! You are in luck because you avoided the endless wait for updates. Hope you are enjoying.  
To those who have been with me since the beginning: Thank you so much for sticking with this series and my inability to give you all the updates you deserve.

The update has gone up and is longer than expected. Thank you all again for your patience with my endless excuses. I sincerely hope you all enjoy the next update. 

Love,  
ThoseWhoFavorFire


End file.
